Grocery Shopping Disaster…

It’s funny how everyday things that most people find normal can cause me anxiety. Things most people don’t stop to think about, never mind understand what it is like for those on the spectrum.

Today it was grocery shopping for the hubby and I. My hubby had to to work the whole weekend and we were all out of food in the house, so it was up to me to go shopping. I knew it was going to be a pain before I left, but it had to get done so I promised myself if I make a list and just worry about getting it done, I will be okay. And I was okay for the first little bit. I actually am not sure what caused the anxiety, rather it was too many people or just not wanting to be in a store for more than an hour or so. The light fixtures was also bugging the hell outta my eyes and because it was gray skies out I had left my sunglasses at home. Leaving me to battle a wonderful headache on top of my anxiety and frustrations.

I remember I was in this aisle and some lady was in some big rush. I was coming up behind her instead of letting me go pass she swooped in like right in front of me not even looking to see I was literally right there. I thought to myself “Thank goodness I was paying attention, or I would have ran this lady over with my cart.” Okay maybe there was some cursing, but I’m trying to keep it PG. Haha I wanted to scream at her or better yet ram the cart into her. If a person like myself who has problems walking in a straight line never mind paying attention to the outside world around her and I can have manners not to run you over, why can’t her?

That was only one of the incidents I dealt with. I don’t like public places because I have a harder time paying attention to what is going on around me. I can really only deal with it so much before it turns me into a ball of anxiety.

By the time I got to the cash two hours later of wandering around a store I hardly know yet, pretending to look like I knew what I was doing, I was a wreck and I think the cashier knew it. I felt so bad for her, but luckily she was very polite. I forgot the codes for our new membership there so I didn’t save any money, which is a bummer cause we had a bunch of coupons clipped on our account. Fail. What was funny was I remembered the code as soon as I walked out of the store. It is not really that I forgot it, that is just one of the pains of dealing with anxiety. Oh and the dish detergent I also had picked up leaked all over the lunch meat. The cashier asked if I wanted to go get new lunch meat, but I felt so bad for the people behind me waiting I just shrugged and said the packages are sealed and I can just rinse them off when I get home. Ew! I almost threw them out when I got home, instead I did rinse them off and switched them into a container cause I live the lifestyle of the poor and normal tbh.

So it is not so much I forget things or that I freak out in the middle of public places crying. My anxiety just causes me to draw blanks, or say things (Like yes I totally want my lunch meat covered with dish soap y’know extra seasoning…yum) I don’t mean because it is easier than dealing with it, or not knowing how to deal with things I guess. Some of it is I also won’t talk about my anxiety with anyone really when it is happening, so I can’t get any help. It is something I am working on, cause I have people who are willing to help me, but I was raised pretty much like I shouldn’t feel these ways cause I am so ‘normal’ like my brother that I just got so use to hiding it and brushing it under the rug. I also love people who give their two cent advice on how I should deal with my anxiety. Because I am not a public person and they may one day read my blog I won’t mention names (It’s not my hubby, he is super supportive), but this person told me next time to just count to 10, that you just have to deal with your anxiety. Like it wasn’t an excuse why I forgot my codes at the store. *eye roll* Like if it was that easy, I would do just that.  A person who has worked on her anxiety for several years is going to take advice like “count to 10” like excuse me, I am not five years old.

When I finally got home it took me about an hour after putting the groceries away to feel somewhat okay again. I still feel kind of off ish and I am sure it is portrayed in this post as it probably doesn’t make much sense. My apologies, but I thought writing about my experience today would help a bit.

Regardless of my anxiety, I am really proud of myself for doing a big shopping list for ourselves and I didn’t forget anything on the list. It really was my first time in this area shopping alone especially with a big list. Normally my hubby does tag along, so woot…Go me!

My weekend attempts at being a social butterfly…

My weekend was filled with social ups and downs, but none the less it was great to meet new friends and new relatives.

Saturday started like every other one pretty much, slept in got up and did my normal routine with the hubby. I took most of the day to relax and try to gear up for a big family dinner. We went over to my husband’s uncle’s sister’s place (His uncle is married into the family) and his family was visiting from out west. I met the sister, his uncle, his cousin and his cousin’s son. We also went with my father and mother in law. So there was a decent crowd of people and to no surprise I hardly said a word. In fact the only time I spoke more than a couple words at a time was when everyone was out of the room except for my husband and his step mom. The funny thing is I stuttered, oh yes the only sentence I spoke all night I stumbled to say a word. Fail. Luckily his uncle and the sister are coming over without the cousin and son on Wednesday night for dinner and I am hoping to be more talkative as I would like to get to know more of my husband’s family. His uncle’s sister is a huge sweetheart too and cannot wait to spend the evening again with her.

I think the problem I had going out Saturday was not so much I wasn’t ready or didn’t want to go out, it was that crowds of any kind make me nervous and anxious. I find it really hard to blend in crowds and I think this will be something I will never get over and I am completely okay with that. There is nothing wrong with being the quiet one and is what makes me the most comfortable. I avoid crowds however for the most part whenever I can for this reason.

Sunday I had much better success at being a social butterfly and had a really nice time. The husband and I went to his best friend’s place for like 9 hours for a BBQ. I already knew his best friend as I met him briefly a few times before, but it was my first time meeting his wife and three kids. I spent most of the morning talking with the kids, and my husband’s best friend’s wife. When the kids left to go to the beach and it was time to blend in with the adults I spent the rest of the time mainly talking with the wife. My husband got some much needed guy time in as I got my girl time in and met a new friend. Because our husbands are also best friends I feel it gives us a common ground or relation to share stories aka gossip/swap stories behind their backs. jk lol. I was very chatty all day and it’s because it is easier for me to converse one on one. Plus we had a few beer which probably helped, but shh I still take credit for breaking out of my recluse shell I have been in for sometime now. Their son said a few cute things to me actually and will not soon be forgotten to bring a smile to my face. He said I was like his mom because we both don’t like bugs or spiders. That we may not look the same, but personalities we are similiar I guess? lol It was so cute. He also said when we were leaving that we need to come back so my husband can hang out with his dad and I can hang out with his mom. We all laughed said thanks for setting our plans up. The food and company were equally amazing and I hope we do it again sometime in the near future.

I had a lovely weekend, but it did take all day Monday to recover from my social events on the weekend. Just felt off all day, hard to describe and didn’t help when we had other priorities to attend to as well. Yay when life happens and you really don’t want it too. I am feeling much better today though hence me posting this and I don’t regret anything at all as it is great to meet new people in a country I just recently moved too. My husband had a hard time meeting people in Canada as I didn’t really have friends where I was living as I didn’t grow up in that part of Canada only recently moved back to my home city where I was born and I was also a huge recluse. I had some of the same fears relocating here with him, but I no longer have these fears after this weekend.

I hope everyone else had a good weekend and has a even better week. Happy Tuesday!

Help?! WordPress inept

I write all my posts first on another writing based program on my computer before I copy and paste it to Word press. I don’t really add or edit anything on the section to add a blog post. When I post my blog it normally has issues with spacing after paragraphs and ends up looking like a unorganized disaster and probably makes it more difficult for followers or people to read. Some guesses I have to why this could be happening is because I don’t write my blog on wordpress itself and has a hard time because I am just copying and pasting the blogs or maybe it could be my program I am using. (I am using evernote it came with my laptop and no I don’t have Microsoft word nor do I want to spend the money to get it unless I absolutely have to.)  or maybe I am writing too much? Lol I have no idea. It use to not bother me so much as it would just miss the odd indent after a paragraph, but now it is more and more and it is really pissing me off because I want my blog to look presentable, organized and not difficult to view. Any feedback/advice or help from followers would help. I really hope I don’t have to go back and rewrite all my blogs just to fix it, but if that’s the case so be it. (At least I have most of them saved on my computer)

I also hope this post makes sense. Thanks in advance for any help or feedback you can give me. Just thought what better people to ask than the word press community.

OCD, it’s relation to Autism and Me…

Autism and Aspergers have a lot of associated disorders such as attention deficit disorder, (ADHD) depression, generalized anxiety disorder and others. One of the more common ones is Obsessive Compulsive disorder (OCD) and because it is one of the more common disorders and how it effects me I really wanted to post about it, so here we go…

For those of you who may not know what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is, OCD is basically a long lasting or life long condition where a person has uncontrollable and reoccurring thoughts and/or behaviors. Meaning a person who is diagnosed or effected by OCD thinks the same thing, or repeats the same behavior over and over again rather it is rational or not.

Obsessions and Compulsions are the two main symptoms of OCD. A person with OCD may have just one of these or both. Obsessions are repeated thoughts, urges or mental images that cause anxiety. Where as, compulsions are repetitive behaviors that a person urges to do in response to the obsession. Some examples include excessive hand washing/cleaning, ordering/arranging things in a particular order or repeatedly checking on things.

Before I continue with this post I would like to express that everyone has the need to double check things or likes to organize in some occasions in their life, but this does not mean everyone has OCD. OCD is not being able to control one’s thoughts or behaviors even once they recognize their actions are excessive. People effected by OCD will likely spend at least an hour a day on these thoughts or behaviors and experience significant problems in their daily lives because of it.

OCD and Autism really tend to overlap each other especially with the repeated behaviors such as counting, lining up, touching, tapping and so on. However the autism motive is still different from the OCD motive. The easiest way I can explain it is the OCD motive is where there is reason behind the need to correct or prevent something and the person does have motive behind it it, where as the Autism motive has really no thought behind what the person is doing and they are just going on instinct like they have an urge to do it.

My autism can make my OCD a lot worse. One of those reasons is I have more of a sensory input that others may not have. Such as, I am very sensitive to touch. For example, when I touch a metal surface it feels horrible and disgusting. Because the metal feels disgusting I automatically associate that feeling with being unsanitary. Since it gives me such an unclean feeling I automatically assume any kind of metal is unsanitary. Sometimes when I touch metal surfaces it can also give me this itchy feeling and like metal fragments are literally stuck in my skin. After I take my hand away, my hand still feels unclean and itchy. As a result I will go wash my hands 2-3 multiple times compulsively. Same thing happens when I get lotion on my hands, I absolutely HATE the feeling of lotion on my hands. I can handle it on my legs after I shave or on a sunburn, but after I apply it I have to wash my hands immediately afterwards. I am very sensitive to touch and it plays a huge factor in how OCD effects me. Autism and OCD really do feed each other and I think that is why my autism makes my OCD more extreme or worse.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder effects me in many different ways and can be very tiring/defeating especially when it plays a part in my day to day life. It can be the little things like listening to the same song on repeat (anywhere between 5-20 times in one or more sit downs) or other things that are harder to deal with or more annoying like my intrusive thoughts, my OCD routine and organization. One example is I have to constantly double check things like locking the door before I leave the house or at night even though I know damn well locking the door is part of my routine and never forget to do it. Sometimes I still have some unknown/irrational fear the door could still be unlocked after I checked it 2-3 times. Same thing happens with the coffee maker some mornings I fear I didn’t turn it on or it is over flowing and I have to go back and double check I put the coffee pot all the way in right. My need to organize is probably more extreme than most and relates to everything including stupid things like my music on itunes or my ipod. My need to organize it perfectly can become so bad that it actually ends up being a mess and not getting organized because even doing close to perfect isn’t good enough. I don’t know if that makes sense?

OCD is a huge annoyance in my life that I am constantly battling it and trying to find better ways to cope with to make it easier to live with. I don’t believe there is a cure for OCD or I will ever be OCD free but there are coping methods I can use to make it more manageable.

Note: This post may be subject to change at anytime as I am still not overly happy with it for some odd reason and probably has to do with my perfectionism/OCD when it comes to writing. We’ll see. May also post a separate post in how I manage my OCD and tips to help those effected like myself.

Off to watch some Sons Of Anarchy with the hubby.

Buh-bye for now

Long story short of why I have disappeared these past few months.

Oh hey guys, I’m back kind of-ish.

I thought I owed you all a quick explanation of why I haven’t been posting or been active at all these past couple months or so. Basically I did go through a period where I just didn’t feel like writing about anything or know specific topics I wanted to write about, but then my life just became really hectic.

A couple weeks ago I relocated to the USA with my fiance and prior to that was a lot of packing, dealing with financial stuff for the move, and other last minute things you do before picking up your life and moving. Not to mention the anxiety of the whole ordeal. Oh and I am also getting married next Saturday. So yeah been crazy busy and I am really sorry for the inactivity.

As stressful as these big changes have been in my life I am really happy, settling in here and getting back on track. With that I promise more posts will be coming eventually. In fact I have a few planned out, including my next post which will be about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive disorder) and it’s relation to Autism. I just haven’t found the time or concentration to be able to sit down and finish it, but yes look forward to posting it and getting back to being a little more active here. Thanks again to all my followers and your patience.