It’s funny how everyday things that most people find normal can cause me anxiety. Things most people don’t stop to think about, never mind understand what it is like for those on the spectrum.
Today it was grocery shopping for the hubby and I. My hubby had to to work the whole weekend and we were all out of food in the house, so it was up to me to go shopping. I knew it was going to be a pain before I left, but it had to get done so I promised myself if I make a list and just worry about getting it done, I will be okay. And I was okay for the first little bit. I actually am not sure what caused the anxiety, rather it was too many people or just not wanting to be in a store for more than an hour or so. The light fixtures was also bugging the hell outta my eyes and because it was gray skies out I had left my sunglasses at home. Leaving me to battle a wonderful headache on top of my anxiety and frustrations.
I remember I was in this aisle and some lady was in some big rush. I was coming up behind her instead of letting me go pass she swooped in like right in front of me not even looking to see I was literally right there. I thought to myself “Thank goodness I was paying attention, or I would have ran this lady over with my cart.” Okay maybe there was some cursing, but I’m trying to keep it PG. Haha I wanted to scream at her or better yet ram the cart into her. If a person like myself who has problems walking in a straight line never mind paying attention to the outside world around her and I can have manners not to run you over, why can’t her?
That was only one of the incidents I dealt with. I don’t like public places because I have a harder time paying attention to what is going on around me. I can really only deal with it so much before it turns me into a ball of anxiety.
By the time I got to the cash two hours later of wandering around a store I hardly know yet, pretending to look like I knew what I was doing, I was a wreck and I think the cashier knew it. I felt so bad for her, but luckily she was very polite. I forgot the codes for our new membership there so I didn’t save any money, which is a bummer cause we had a bunch of coupons clipped on our account. Fail. What was funny was I remembered the code as soon as I walked out of the store. It is not really that I forgot it, that is just one of the pains of dealing with anxiety. Oh and the dish detergent I also had picked up leaked all over the lunch meat. The cashier asked if I wanted to go get new lunch meat, but I felt so bad for the people behind me waiting I just shrugged and said the packages are sealed and I can just rinse them off when I get home. Ew! I almost threw them out when I got home, instead I did rinse them off and switched them into a container cause I live the lifestyle of the poor and normal tbh.
So it is not so much I forget things or that I freak out in the middle of public places crying. My anxiety just causes me to draw blanks, or say things (Like yes I totally want my lunch meat covered with dish soap y’know extra seasoning…yum) I don’t mean because it is easier than dealing with it, or not knowing how to deal with things I guess. Some of it is I also won’t talk about my anxiety with anyone really when it is happening, so I can’t get any help. It is something I am working on, cause I have people who are willing to help me, but I was raised pretty much like I shouldn’t feel these ways cause I am so ‘normal’ like my brother that I just got so use to hiding it and brushing it under the rug. I also love people who give their two cent advice on how I should deal with my anxiety. Because I am not a public person and they may one day read my blog I won’t mention names (It’s not my hubby, he is super supportive), but this person told me next time to just count to 10, that you just have to deal with your anxiety. Like it wasn’t an excuse why I forgot my codes at the store. *eye roll* Like if it was that easy, I would do just that. A person who has worked on her anxiety for several years is going to take advice like “count to 10” like excuse me, I am not five years old.
When I finally got home it took me about an hour after putting the groceries away to feel somewhat okay again. I still feel kind of off ish and I am sure it is portrayed in this post as it probably doesn’t make much sense. My apologies, but I thought writing about my experience today would help a bit.
Regardless of my anxiety, I am really proud of myself for doing a big shopping list for ourselves and I didn’t forget anything on the list. It really was my first time in this area shopping alone especially with a big list. Normally my hubby does tag along, so woot…Go me!