I look too normal to have aspergers, huh?!

I often get told I am too normal to have autism or to be recognized as an aspie. However that is not the problem, the problem is I act too neurotypical to be identified as an aspie. I also think that people tell me this because they either don’t know what to say, or they think they are being nice, but this really offends me and I find it really ignorant that people assume to know what is going on inside my mind.

juno

I was not told I could possibly be on the spectrum or have aspergers until I was 25, and I think that has a lot to do with why I can seem normal a lot of the time. I didn’t identify with being someone with aspergers until my late twenties really. (Did I suspect I was different growing up? Always.) Other than the prominent quirks I had as a child (Speech problems, motor skills delay, stimming etc) I spent the majority of my teen years and into my twentiess trying to play the part of the norm because if I struggled with things like anxiety I was told to suck it up. I wasn’t accepted as myself so I tried even harder to be like those around me and fit into a world I never entirely understood. Even when I struggled with my differences and things like school I never could reach out to get help because I never knew what the problem was. Sometimes I just assumed what I felt was how everyone felt and because I only knew how I felt that it must be normal. When I did finally reach out and saw myself as someone on the spectrum was when my life finally made sense, and that came with a lot of relief, but also a lot of anger and horrible memories from the past. The anger of if I got a proper diagnoses sooner when I was a child, my life could be a lot different today. Of course I had to get over that feeling because we cannot dread on the past or change it. There are still unresolved issues with my parents about it, but I try not to dive too much into my personal life as much as I can so this is all I will share on that matter for now. I also believe because I was not told I had aspergers until much later in my life as a child and on some of my quirks became accepted as part of my personality and not related to a diagnoses.

What people don’t understand is I have spent the majority of my life learning how to imitate neurotypicals. A lot of aspies or those on the spectrum especially the ones who are more high functioning spend a lot of the time trying to play the act of the norm. In fact, some who are very good at it can hold up this role for months on end. This however makes us very good actresses or actors, but it does not mean we are always as normal as we can seem. The days where it is most obvious the break downs, melt downs and complete shut downs are the days you don’t see. Those are the days no one sees me, I don’t go to work, I don’t leave my house and I don’t answer the phone on these days. Sometimes it can last for weeks, but I never really had such luxury to take weeks off my life and because of that I had to grin and bare it a lot of the time. Since I never have been able to miss a week or two of time from school or work I set down time for myself every single day. If I break down I try to take one-three days to try my best to regroup and reset to get back into the world. This of course doesn’t always work and when I gave in to the ignorant comments and didn’t take the time I really needed to reset myself I failed horribly in school and struggled with jobs. It really blows to say the least. Life is a stage, yeah it really is for those on the spectrum.

I find it so very ignorant that people actually think “You don’t look like you have autism or aspergers” is something I want to hear or it is nice to say especially when I confide in you with such information. It does NOT come across as nice or polite, it actually comes across as if there is something wrong with being on the spectrum. Not even so much being on the spectrum, but that there is something broken or wrong with my brain. You are basically insulting my brain’s make up… I don’t look like I have aspergers….”Why thank you, you don’t look like an ignorant fuck either.” Another reason I believe people say ignorant shit like this is because teens or adults on the spectrum often get compared to either their one vision of what autism looks like or to a child on the spectrum. Both are so very ignorant because an adult on the spectrum clearly has had a lot more time to process things and learn how to function in society than a child and it is even more ignorant to only have one idea of what autism looks like. The spectrum is very broad and complexed and again you are a piece of shit for grouping every individual on the spectrum into one. If you don’t know what to say to someone who is on the spectrum maybe you don’t need to say anything. When a person first comes out of the closet sharing they are gay or what have you they only look to be accepted and loved like everybody else on this planet, not sympathy. I am not saying one has to do with the other or comparing, but maybe autistics are looking for the same thing.

I’m done with this post as it was very hard to write due to my anger with the topic and just explaining it really. Like always this post may be subject to change as I may edit it on a later day or in the near future if I see fit or I can make more sense of what I was trying to get across.

Bye for now!

WordPress Rant…Get your SH*T together

Before I start this rant I want to STRESS I love blogging, wordpress and it’s community. As frustrated as I can get sometimes with the site itself, I am not going to quit using wordpress or shut down my blog.

Lately I have been having some troubles with the wordpress site and at times been utterly confused.

The first frustration I have is I didn’t know I had to be computer savvy or be familiar with things like HTML to blog on the interwebs. In the past I have open blogs that I never ended up keeping up to date and later closing that were far more easier to use and were more computer illiterate friendly than wordpress. I am not saying I am completely useless when it comes to computers or technology, heck I have been using computers and other means of technology since I was a young teenager. Just consider the generation I am from where things like laptops, ipods, cell phones etc really took off. I do understand that wordpress seems to be for more the elite bloggers and writers compare to other sites that seem to be more for new comers or people who don’t do blogging or writing for any other reason, but a pass time. That may be the reason for the way wordpress is set up. However, I have a really hard time with spacing my blog posts properly because of the HTML. When I write a post on my laptop and go to copy it onto wordpress it really does a horrible job with the indents and spacing between paragraphs. I have googled this and luckily I have found a way to fix the solution for myself for the most part. Another thing that took me forever to figure out was when you change your about me description on your blog page (URL) you also have to change it in your account settings for it to properly update everywhere. I am also still very new to customizing themes and getting use to all it’s tools and features. At times failing miserably with it, but it is something I think I will improve on with some playing around. These are only a few of the problems I have had relating to HTML codes and the site. As much as I understand why wordpress is the way it is, I joined up to simply blog about my life, experiences and interests, NOT to spend hours googling HTML.

Another WTF moment for me was that my number of followers change in numbers from my actual follower list, when you view my blog in the reader and on the site. Last time I checked it said I actually had 67 followers, but on the blog reader and site it read that I had a higher number of followers. Not that I am complaining the numbers were higher, but talk about false advertising tbh.

Also why can’t I edit my own comments when I comment on peoples blogs? I understand that they have to be moderated by the author who’s post I commented on, but seriously if they are your own comments you should be able to delete or edit them like you can anywhere else. I have never seen this in the 15 plus years I have been on the internet and this lack of feature really pisses me off because I make typos all the time or say something wrong. I should be able to easily edit or delete my own comments the same way I can edit and delete my own blogs. If nothing needs to be viewed to publish my posts why the fuck does it have to happen for comments? I get that you can write or email the author and ask them to edit or delete your comment, but this is such a pain in the ass that I doubt anyone even bothers. It should be comment and edit as much as you please and up to the author if they simply want to delete your comment if they don’t like it. It would make much more sense. But since there are so many special snowflakes out there who get their efeelings hurt, wordpress has to play nazi warrior and take away our freedom to edit our own comments. Fix this please….

These are only some of many problems and frustrations I have had thus far with wordpress and by the way it is going I assume I will find more problems the more I use this site. Luckily I will also become more familiar with the site as time goes on so hopefully these kind of problems will be few and far between.

This is not a hate rage or protest against wordpress, I just felt the need to share some of my frustrations since I started blogging. I will say wordpress has a lot of positives such as one of the best blogging communities I have ever seen on any site, and over all it is fairly easy to use. It didn’t take me long when I started my blog to learn the basics and I was very welcomed the first week here.

On a lighter note, I updated my about me description for like the third time now? and I changed my theme again. If you want feel free to check out a couple changes I have made, with some more I am sure coming soon.

If you have similar frustrations like I have had or have any tips or advice that would help my blogging experience here easier feel free to share them in the comment section.

I am off to nerd out on Xbox. Ciao!

Tips/Advice for Aspergers, autism, anxiety and other…

Tips for Autism, Asperger Syndrome, anxiety and whoever else may find this helpful…

Here are some tips or advice I have found helpful for myself or have also researched and would like to try. I tried to find a little bit of everything in hopes to reach a bigger audience and not just in favor of myself or others like me. This post is not organized nor is it edited. It also may be subject to change in the future if I feel like writing it in a different order/way or have ideas to add.

Light Sensitivity
– Sunglasses: Wear sunglasses outside, in grocery stores or wherever else your eyes may be bothered by the lighting.
– If you find the lights in your own home bothering you get rid of the bulbs and replace them with more aspie friendly lights. (Ambient lights are great)
– Trade in an over head light for a table or floor lamp.
– Closing the drapes or curtains
– Make your own room or comfort space dark or more manageable for your light sensitivity. (IE: Black sheet on your windows. Paint your room a darker color)
– Close your eyes for several minutes to regain focus

Noise Sensitivity:
Tell everybody to Shut the bleep up! jk jk
– Music/earphones (great for blocking out back ground noise)
– If you are in a work place or classroom ask to work by yourself. Explain your needs and why it would be beneficiary for you to work alone.
– Avoid loud places if possible. (IE: take a side or back road instead of walking down a main city road. Sport stadiums, fireworks and concerts)
– Spend more time in quieter places like the library.
– If you can pinpoint certain phobia of sounds, take time to get comfortable with different sounds on your own. Example: If bells scare you, buy some bells and experiment with different bells until you become more comfortable with the sound.
– Most people who are affected by loud noises can’t stand the thought of alarms going off. Some of this we cannot avoid from it happening, but in things like school or the work place, they schedule fire drills or earthquake drills. Have your teacher or boss inform what exact time these will take place so you can prepare.
– Bring something with you that brings comfort to you and can help you focus.
(Ipad, ipod, stuffed animal, your favorite piece of jewelry or a sensory toy)
– Gradually expose yourself to certain noises that cause anxiety. (Observe from afar or learn about the source of the sound) Don’t throw yourself into a crowd of lud noises right away. Just slowly expose yourself to them until they become apart of everyday life. (sirens are a great example. You can start by touring the fire or police station. Sit in a fire truck etc)
– Balance between the noise and quiet time. (IE: You have to attend classes all morning with thousands of students and other unknown noises that may come with going to class. Spend lunch at home or by yourself in quiet solitude and regroup for afternoon classes or a afternoon of errands.)
– Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps teach self coping skills.

Anxiety in general:
– Limit caffeine and things like energy drinks. (Caffeine can play a huge risk factor when it comes to anxiety)
– Get enough sleep (Not necessarily 8 hours, but whatever is enough sleep that you need)
– Exercise often to maintain your health and feel good.
– Eat well balanced/nutritional meals
Lack of sleep, exercise and eating habits have a bigger impact on us including anxiety then a lot of people think and in my experience maintaining these three do actually help and it is that simple. It not just benefits my anxiety, but also helps my depression and moods.
– Never set higher expectations for yourself. You can only do your best, you cannot seek perfection. Instead you may be met with anxiety.
– Take a break or distract yourself (read a book, listen to music, yoga what have you. Take a step back it will give you time to refocus.)
Find out what is triggering your anxiety. Learning what is causing you to be anxious can help you to either prepare for it or so you can talk about it with someone or write about it to relieve the stress.
– Try taking deep breaths and counting to 10 or 20.
– Break your day up into small increments like minutes. Instead of stressing about the whole day set before you, only deal with the next 1-5 minutes at a time.
– Sometimes it helps to focus on one spot. If you are outside look up to the clouds/sky. If inside concentrate on a place on the ground or a object until you can regain your focus.
– Laugh A LOT. Humor can fix just about anything including anxiety.
– Set a time of day (IE: 6:30 pm – 7 pm) where you can worry about whatever is on your mind. The rest of your day though is stress free. If something comes up that is causing you anxiety push it aside and tell yourself not to worry about it until later.

Random tips that can help with some or all of the above and in relation.
-Tony Atwood a man known world wide for his knowledge of asperger syndrome recommends 1-2 hours of down time for every one hour of socialization. Now of course this is not always possible in life, but it is a nice example to try and plan your routine around or plan to stick to. Either way make room in your schedule for down time.
– If you find yourself becoming exhausted or over worked, drop activities that you can that are draining your time and energy.
– Rethink your schedule or errands (IE: Order your groceries online instead of going out to the store. Hire someone to mow your lawn etc)
– Do something for 10-15 minutes that will relax you. (read a chapter in your favorite book. Take a shower or bath, Listen to a few of your favorite songs.)
– SUNGLASSES are a savior always and not just for light sensitivity. Wear them to a family event if you are finding it hard to keep eye contact. That way they can’t see your eyes to be able to tell rather you are or not.
– If looking in people’s eyes gives you anxiety or you ever struggle with it, focus on a spot between their eyes or their forehead. It will look like you are making eye contact, except you are not.
– ROUTINE: Routine can help many things like anxiety and helps with transitioning.
– WRITE or TALK to someone about your anxiety. As mentioned above.

If you have any thoughts or other tips/advice from your experience feel free to share them in the comment section.

Buh-bye for now I am off to eat dinner with the hubby. 🙂

200 Likes…Yay!

I recently received 200 likes on my blog. Woot!

Brad Pitt Burn After Reading.gif

I would like to thank all my loyal followers for this and I am glad there are people who do enjoy my content. It means the world to me.

I’m sorry again for my inactivity. I do have a couple posts planned and will get around to posting them soon hopefully. I also need to do some changes/work to my blog so expect that as well. Until then I plan to stay active in other ways like trying to post mini updates or random quotes I love.

I’m off to take a nap as I didn’t sleep very much last night. Since I have been enjoying unemployment (sarcasm) taking naps has become one of my specialties and favorite pass times. Unfortunately…

I enjoy taking naps.gif

I wish I had his mom…

I was going to post something today, but I have been feeling really down for some reason (I can’t pinpoint why) today and out of it that I will have to post another time. I will be fine, don’t worry! For now, not that this had anything to do with my bad mood, but was really inspiring and lifted my spirits I thought I’d share it with you.

Autism: How My Unstoppable Mother Proved The Experts Wrong

Which also reminds me eventually I want to make a page on my blog dedicated to autism stuffies like resources, quotes, inspiration, videos etc. I probably have mentioned this before I am just ranting about random thoughts so don’t mind me. Hehe

Also while I’m posting, I’d like to share one of my favorite songs because it perfectly describes what it is like for me to be on the spectrum. I love this band, but this song in particular.

Skin ~ Sixx AM

Another idea I have is I will be posting a favorite sad song compilation to continue my playlists.

I know this post is super random, but I can’t keep a straight thought today so my apologies. Hoping to be back to normal by this evening or tomorrow. 🙂

Buh-bye for now…

The Liebster Award

Liebster Award

Rules…

Acknowledge the person who nominated you
Answer the 11 questions asked
Nominate 11 other bloggers
Ask 11 new questions for the bloggers you have nominated

Thank you ThoseDreamingDays for nominating me. I really appreciate it. This is so exciting! You guys should also go over to her blog and read her posts. She’s awesome!

My answers to ThoseDreamingDays 11 questions:

1) Do you have any middle names?
Yes I have one, but I like to remain somewhat anonymous here. So sorry I can’t disclose this information. If it helps it is my Oma’s (grandma in German) name.

2) What is your favourite film?
That’s a very tough question because I love tons of films. To name a few though. American History X (Hands down Edward Norton’s best role in my opinion) Juno, The Shining, E.T, The Silence of The Lambs, A Clockwork Orange, Girl Interrupted, Inglorious Bastards, Finding Nemo

3) What do you like to do to relax and unwind?
Music, write, hot bath, cup of tea, cuddle my stuffed animals (Oh the kid in me. xD) or back rubbies from the hubby

4)What word sums you up?
Um…Stubborn? Lol I have no idea.

5) What would your dream date be ( with friends or partner)?
Dream date with my partner: Maybe go out to a low key quiet restaurant or even stay in and watch a movie together. Ohh THE BEACH ❤ Yeah I am a pretty cheap date. I don't really have this dream date scenario in my head cause if I want to do something with him I just do it.
With friends? Games, movies or just chill.

6) What is your favourite picture you’ve taken and why?
I actually don't know if I have ever really thought I took a picture that I favor. Hmm…Probably one of the scenic shots I took living in British Columbia because the scenary is beautiful. (Ocean, Whales, Bears, Rain forest, large abnormal trees, remote etc)

7) Do you do any sport?
Ha…Not very well.

8) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be and who would you go with?
Ireland with my husband. Since we met in like the first few weeks of talking we both found out both our dream place to go was Ireland so we shall one day.

9) Do you play any instruments?
I wish. Thinking about getting the hubby to teach me guitar, but there is this little thing called patience that I don't have a lot of.

10) What’s your favourite word?
Fuckery? It's not a word.

11) What’s your favourite quote?
Um I have a lot of favorite quotes. The only way I can somewhat sum it up is I love all those cheesy quotes that inspire or relate to me.

Here's a few:
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
~Martin Luther King Jr.

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
~ Rob Silitanen

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist, that is all."
~Oscar Wilde

“Without music, life would be a mistake."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I Nominate…
Everything By Lauren
The Shit Everybody Is Thinking
Blabbering Of A Scattered Mind
anciblogs
Inside The Rainbow
The Silent Wave
The 20 Something Existential Crisis
Flash 365
Aspie Under Your Radar
Neurodivergent Rebel

For my 11th nominee I’d like to nominate any new blogger or blogger that has yet to receive this award but would like to join in the fun and do it.

My nominations were a combination of a few new bloggers and some of my favorite bloggers that I religiously follow and harass with likes and comments. 🙂

My 11 questions for the nominees…
1) What color is your toothbrush?
2) What song are you listening to or what was the last song you listened to?
3) Who is your biggest role model?
4) Are you more of a dog or cat person?
5) Who is the person you trust the most other than yourself?
6) What is your current desktop background picture?
7) If you could flip a switch to wipe any band or music artist off the earth, who would it be?
8) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere, but you have to go right now. Where would you go?
9) Favorite disney movie?
10) If you discovered a deserted island and could build your own society on it, what would be the first rule/law you put in place?
11) Your house is on fire…Holy shit…Run!!! You only have time to grab one object. What would it be?