I often get told I am too normal to have autism or to be recognized as an aspie. However that is not the problem, the problem is I act too neurotypical to be identified as an aspie. I also think that people tell me this because they either don’t know what to say, or they think they are being nice, but this really offends me and I find it really ignorant that people assume to know what is going on inside my mind.
I was not told I could possibly be on the spectrum or have aspergers until I was 25, and I think that has a lot to do with why I can seem normal a lot of the time. I didn’t identify with being someone with aspergers until my late twenties really. (Did I suspect I was different growing up? Always.) Other than the prominent quirks I had as a child (Speech problems, motor skills delay, stimming etc) I spent the majority of my teen years and into my twentiess trying to play the part of the norm because if I struggled with things like anxiety I was told to suck it up. I wasn’t accepted as myself so I tried even harder to be like those around me and fit into a world I never entirely understood. Even when I struggled with my differences and things like school I never could reach out to get help because I never knew what the problem was. Sometimes I just assumed what I felt was how everyone felt and because I only knew how I felt that it must be normal. When I did finally reach out and saw myself as someone on the spectrum was when my life finally made sense, and that came with a lot of relief, but also a lot of anger and horrible memories from the past. The anger of if I got a proper diagnoses sooner when I was a child, my life could be a lot different today. Of course I had to get over that feeling because we cannot dread on the past or change it. There are still unresolved issues with my parents about it, but I try not to dive too much into my personal life as much as I can so this is all I will share on that matter for now. I also believe because I was not told I had aspergers until much later in my life as a child and on some of my quirks became accepted as part of my personality and not related to a diagnoses.
What people don’t understand is I have spent the majority of my life learning how to imitate neurotypicals. A lot of aspies or those on the spectrum especially the ones who are more high functioning spend a lot of the time trying to play the act of the norm. In fact, some who are very good at it can hold up this role for months on end. This however makes us very good actresses or actors, but it does not mean we are always as normal as we can seem. The days where it is most obvious the break downs, melt downs and complete shut downs are the days you don’t see. Those are the days no one sees me, I don’t go to work, I don’t leave my house and I don’t answer the phone on these days. Sometimes it can last for weeks, but I never really had such luxury to take weeks off my life and because of that I had to grin and bare it a lot of the time. Since I never have been able to miss a week or two of time from school or work I set down time for myself every single day. If I break down I try to take one-three days to try my best to regroup and reset to get back into the world. This of course doesn’t always work and when I gave in to the ignorant comments and didn’t take the time I really needed to reset myself I failed horribly in school and struggled with jobs. It really blows to say the least. Life is a stage, yeah it really is for those on the spectrum.
I find it so very ignorant that people actually think “You don’t look like you have autism or aspergers” is something I want to hear or it is nice to say especially when I confide in you with such information. It does NOT come across as nice or polite, it actually comes across as if there is something wrong with being on the spectrum. Not even so much being on the spectrum, but that there is something broken or wrong with my brain. You are basically insulting my brain’s make up… I don’t look like I have aspergers….”Why thank you, you don’t look like an ignorant fuck either.” Another reason I believe people say ignorant shit like this is because teens or adults on the spectrum often get compared to either their one vision of what autism looks like or to a child on the spectrum. Both are so very ignorant because an adult on the spectrum clearly has had a lot more time to process things and learn how to function in society than a child and it is even more ignorant to only have one idea of what autism looks like. The spectrum is very broad and complexed and again you are a piece of shit for grouping every individual on the spectrum into one. If you don’t know what to say to someone who is on the spectrum maybe you don’t need to say anything. When a person first comes out of the closet sharing they are gay or what have you they only look to be accepted and loved like everybody else on this planet, not sympathy. I am not saying one has to do with the other or comparing, but maybe autistics are looking for the same thing.
I’m done with this post as it was very hard to write due to my anger with the topic and just explaining it really. Like always this post may be subject to change as I may edit it on a later day or in the near future if I see fit or I can make more sense of what I was trying to get across.
Bye for now!